Maui Arts & Entertainment

Tips for Surviving Tropical Storm Flossie

July 28, 2013, 12:02 PM HST
* Updated July 29, 11:30 AM
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WARNING: satire

By Vanessa Wolf

Flossie, sea surface temperature imagery. Seeing weather depicted in red makes it extra scary. Courtesy NWS, NOAA, CPHC.

Flossie, sea surface temperature imagery. Seeing weather depicted in red makes it extra scary. Courtesy NWS, NOAA, CPHC.

Over the warm waters of the eastern Pacific Ocean, Tropical Storm Flossie took shape early Thursday morning.

Sources report she has chosen the form of a middle-aged woman with a beehive hairdo. It’s unclear whether or not she is wearing glasses on a chain around her neck or just an unusual blouse.

Scientists fear she has elected to harness the superpower of torrential rain-based rage, but are hopeful she went with the fury of a Zen table fountain or the wrath of a bucket of mop water instead.

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Regardless, she is expected to show herself to us sometime Monday.

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Although sources would neither confirm nor deny that this was the same Flossie that came through Hawaii in August 2007, off the record one noted that “it certainly seems damn suspicious.”

Musing to himself he added, “It’s fine that she enjoys our beautiful beaches and landscapes – who doesn’t? – but does she have to keep rolling into town all wet and angry? Maybe she should consider counseling.”

Another source suggested that her name provides some clues as to her possible behavior.

Now that's downright evil-looking. Flossie rb satellite imagery, 8:30 a.m. July 28, 2013. Image courtesy NWS, CPHC, NOAA.

Now that’s downright terrifying. Look out Propel Water six-pack in selected varieties for $3.99. I’m coming for you. Flossie rb satellite imagery, 8:30 a.m. July 28, 2013. Image courtesy NWS, CPHC, NOAA.

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“’Flossie’ sounds like a waitress in a Texas truck stop: all talk and bluster and calling everybody darlin’. I suspect she’ll tease a few hairdos and maybe knock down a wind chime or two – seriously, what’s more annoying than the sound of other people’s wind chimes? – but all in all, I’m betting her bark will be worse than her bite.”

Another expert weighed in to explain, “If this was a Tropical Storm Rebekah, I’d recommend people brace themselves for some biblical fury and maybe a particular focus on the finer things. Something that powerful might really cause some devastation to the coastline, even destroying people’s second and third homes.

“Tropical Storm Cody? This is a guy that likes to kick back, stay awhile, and maybe hang out on the North Shore cracking open some cold ones. With the likes of him, we might expect the power to go out in Haiku and definitely some bombin’ surf.”

Nonetheless, no one can predict for certain what Flossie will bring, and it’s always important to be prepared.

In that spirit, we offer some suggestions for getting through the next couple days.

  • At the first hint of a tropical storm warning, rush to Times Supermarket to strip the shelves clean of bottled water, Low Sodium Spam, Jim Beam and Northwest Red Cherries, currently on sale for $2.99 a pound.
  • When the winds pick up, quickly find shelter in tree forts and deserted lean-tos originally crafted by drifters, hippies, and unsupervised children.
  • At the first sign of rain, gather your family and loved ones and make bold and shameless declarations of love, guilt, and carefully plotted and seamlessly executed murders you got away with like there’s no tomorrow because, who knows? Maybe there is no tomorrow.
  • Candles are not food. But in a pinch they can be.
  • Take a page from Mary Poppins and head into the fracas tightly clutching a large, black umbrella. Don’t forget to grab your magic carpetbag packed with necessities for starting your new life as a nanny in Canada: warm clothes, sensible shoes, floor lamps and medicine that tastes good.
  • Not into kids? When the worst of it hits, strip down naked and run out into the driving rains screaming, “I warned you all!” Remember to punctuate your pronouncements of doom with maniacal laughter.
  • Who said that thing about “whatever doesn’t kill you”? No matter. It’s good advice. Use this storm as an opportunity to hone your inner resources of denial, scapegoating, and munching on dry pasta while giving scathing sidelong looks to your spouse.
  • We’re all in this together. Take care of each other: those with electricity can help by keeping those without power updated on what’s happening on their favorite TV shows.

Above all, be safe and don’t do anything that leads to embarrassing footage on CNN or a Darwin Award.

Have an idea for a fun, funny or thought-provoking story or topic? Get in touch: we want to hear from you. – Vanessa (@mauinow.com)

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